Just went in through gate C24, and am now sitting at the waiting area for boarding onto the next plane out to Tokyo/Narita Airport. There’s this strange mix of feelings, foreboding, apprehension, excitement, loneliness, nervousness and delight. The most important thing is that I am traveling alone today. Marcus would not be joining me as I had ended our relationship on the 13 June 2007. I insisted that we still go Tokyo and that we might continue to build a friendship together. But that would be too much and too selfish for me to ask. I understand how he feels. It may seem that I have done this hideously wicked thing to him. I know he loves me a lot, and there’s no doubt that we had put a lot of effort into the relationship. As I look around me in the airport, I felt something was missing. His presence? He had always given me such a strong sense of security and surety that now, his absence seems have naturally robbed me of it.
We had been together for 1 1/2 years. There were many sweet and slightly bitter times together. Without realizing it, our lives have intertwine and knitted itself very closely together. Everything around me reminds me of him. The items in my car, the things in my bedroom and study room, the things in my office and the things I wear. I was contemplating removing them all away. But that is not to be so. I so willed in my heart that I should not forget this person that I had tried working out a relationship with. For whom we gave our hearts to each other for the period of time. I refuse to just disappear. He may feel anger or bitter reproach against me. I can only hope that time will change things.
Why did I break up with him? That is a question I’d asked myself for quite sometimes. What justification did I give myself this time? Whether we were suitable together? I thought I could work out gradually but there was always something missing in my feelings towards him. And how do I know this? It would be too sensitive to reveal here. Suffice to say that I thought I could do without feeling that way about him. It turned out, amidst working so hard on something, I just need to sit back and ask myself, is this really what I wanted?
Often times we ask ourselves, would you go after someone whom you love but may not love you in return, or simple stay with someone who loves you but you don’t feel that strongly towards. I chose the former this day. Even though I will never be sure how Thomas will feel towards me, whether he’ll give us a chance together, or whether we will last a long time, or whether our values are similar and whether we were meant for each other, there will always be that 101 questions asked. But I want to do it. He’s attached and I was attached and everything broke out quite quickly. I confessed my liking with him for many years and he was surprised. Pleasantly I hope. He’s the guy whom I have always loved from the beginning. I don’t think it’s a crush turn puppy love. How do you explain me having to feel the same after 17 years? The crush would have died off. How do I authenticate my interest in him as genuine then? One might ask me, I do not even know him that well. But to a certain level, I do, actually. From hearsay, from observations, from us working together during our Secondary school days. There's one thing incredible in him I feel, that he had kept himself somewhat unchanged and pristine over the years. Deep down I felt, he was still the same guy. There were changes of course, there will always be.
How does Thomas Tan fit in the jigsaw then? By many strange chances and a very important opportunity we manage to start rebuilding our friendship again. Back in my younger days, I would look at him from a distance but never risk telling him. I never knew he sexuality, not until recently. We are colleagues now, working in the same company since last year.
Everything happened in a short time. And what I felt for him was exactly, the feeling, which was missing with Marcus. I still remember the dinner session that we had together at Carnivore Restaurant, a group of us Secondary school friends having a birthday gathering. I couldn’t help but to look at him constantly during the whole dinner. That was too obvious. It was that sunshine he exuberated. Again, one would ask, would this feeling go? I don’t think so. How do you explain me having to feel the same after 17 years? There may be a long gap in between where we were both missing from each other for a long decade. But that did not displace my feelings for him. I merely put it aside at the back of my mind. Wandering in circles in life, I’m glad we met up again.
I feel this overwhelming sense of love and desire for him. Even until now. The next logical question would be, would this feeling last even if I pursue it? I cannot say. I can only say, there’s a very strong mix of feelings now for me. I am taking this Japan trip, to hopefully think things through carefully. The best way is to be selfish perhaps, that is to bare our own feelings plainly and be honest with what we truly want. I do not have any doubts about Thomas. He’s perhaps the only one guy I have been waiting for my whole life. hat happened between us was a matter of days too. Day 1 - 5 and Step 1 to 5. He would understand what i'm saying here. The only real concern I had was this, I didn't want him to be with him just because I told him I was so into him for so long. He reassured me that he was mature enough to know what he wants. I hope so too.
Our lives had never the chance to overlap, our paths rarely crossed, but up until now. It is amazing how separated our lives were. It was a good period of molding for us perhaps. Having each to gone through our fair share of loving and hating, falling in and out of love. I sincerely hope we will approach each other and this relationship maturely, and with help from our past experiences, to decipher what is to be built between us.
Semplice Simon
