After given much thought and careful planning, I've decided not to take up the Master of Technology course next year. MTech will take up 9-5 of all of my Saturdays for 2 ½ years, 20 full day weekday lessons, countless project meetings for major subjects, many deadlines to meet etc.. Adding another piece of paper to my collection isn't such a bad idea. I felt the time wasn't right though. There are many factors which made me change my mind.
I need to put this crazy paper chase on a more dissectible level. Initially, I felt the degree could enable me to shift to an academic position. Teach and perhaps lecture in schools instead of staying in the Industry for long. It is getting too dynamic for me, at times, plain suffocating. But I need more industrial experience, before taking on the role of imparting knowledge. By three years time, I don't think I have enough of that yet. And a pay cut would be inevitable if I am to change line. It's not the right time yet.
Another reason being the course content has the risk of being obsolete by the time I graduate. This MTech is solely on Technology based subjects; It is only contemporary to the time the syllabus is released. More conservative IT Project Management Methodologies and its applications, IT involvement in Strategic Business Planning etc are kept to a minimal. This will affect the value of the degree, and its worth in my career. I've already gotten CITPM, and it has already secured certain Project Lead responsibilities, but still it's not enough. My current company doesn't really appreciate it since there's no opening in the higher hierarchy to squeeze through for promotion. I am just waiting it out. It is still the wrong timing.
But the most important reason here is the quality of my life. I really wish to save up for traveling instead of paying for my school fees. I crave to go out with friends more often, to live life as vibrant as possible... , and of course, spending more time finding a life partner in that crazy arena called Love.
I want to improve my vocal techniques too, form gay and lesbian mini choir ensembles, learn more instruments, sing and play in public places, bring music to others etc..There are many books I want to read too, many places I want to go and many people I want to meet... ( or at least there's one particular guy .. :P ) All these will add into broadening my horizon and to give myself a more fulfilling and satisfying life. They were, initially my core interests and primary goals in life when I was younger. This should be the direction I must head now. It is the right time.
What is the use of being learned and wise, when there are no friends and love ones to share it with? What is the point of establishing a career when it is not my primary interest in life? What is the benefit of inflating my bank account with a fat pay when I don't have somebody I love to shower it upon? What am I doing with my life? For whom do I live for and for what purpose when finality comes knocking? I don't want to center my life on my career and money. By the time I have established them, can time be turned back for me to expend these tangibles to improve my life? I want my desires and purpose to be center around the man that I love, my family and friends, my passions in life etc. Only these can satisfy my thirst for satisfaction. It is the right time to start. Right now or never.
Semplice Simon
PS : I saw him at the hawker center just when I was looking for dinner. Wrong timing. I turned on my heels and walked off in haste. Over a plate of rice I asked myself, why this over-reaction. Two answers came. I am not that courageous yet, to face him, and who he is seeing. Next time, I will be brave enough.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
Strangely-Sore-Feeling-To-Love-Again
I've told myself that I wouldn't be falling in love so easily again. But to tell myself that I've no particular person in mind and that nobody around me attracts me currently is perhaps a lie and a desperate attempt to twist myself out of another pending heart break. I cannot yet fully grasp and control my own feelings at times. It is the inconsistency between what I really feel in that frail heart, and the apparent logic in resulting from my analytical mind. I would coin this as that "Strangely-Sore-Feeling-To-Love-Again". (SSFLA)
I must admit that I had never felt this SSFLA as strong as it is now. One of the reasons being I've never broke up from such a long relationship before. But what is the cause of this? I can almost will this feeling to come as easily nowadays. Is it because of the discomforting and persisting feeling of loss and sadness after a breakup? Is it because of the feeling and hope of possibly loving and seeing somebody new again? Is it because of the fear of everything repeating itself all over again as it had so often? Or is it simply because I'm too convinced of the only surety of my own fate is a big conclusive unhappy ending? I'm not too sure. I have all this four feelings walking alongside each other waiting for me to join them again.
How am I going to handle such a mix of feelings and how things would to turn out for me? I am not too sure either. Corny is it may be, Gumprates says ... "Life is like a box of chocolates.. You’ll never know what you're gonna get..." We should take on life as an adventure, like corridors full of doors that look the same, but leads to different world. Like a forest, with trees tops leading to different wonderful places. Like a cupboard, which when walking in, brings us into another fantasy. This sense of excitement which comes before our embarkation on certain stages in life, and before the start of a wonderful phase, is clearly what I need. Is my age catching up on me, I wonder. Am I failing to invoke both subconsciously and consciously, pleasant childlike sugary feeling in my heart when something sweet happens? Or for that that matter, somebody who’s so right in coming along in my life. And in its place is just a heavy soreness which I long to get rid. God forbids!!!
Time is a real good medicine... I need an overdose for an overdrive right now!!
Semplice Simon
I must admit that I had never felt this SSFLA as strong as it is now. One of the reasons being I've never broke up from such a long relationship before. But what is the cause of this? I can almost will this feeling to come as easily nowadays. Is it because of the discomforting and persisting feeling of loss and sadness after a breakup? Is it because of the feeling and hope of possibly loving and seeing somebody new again? Is it because of the fear of everything repeating itself all over again as it had so often? Or is it simply because I'm too convinced of the only surety of my own fate is a big conclusive unhappy ending? I'm not too sure. I have all this four feelings walking alongside each other waiting for me to join them again.
How am I going to handle such a mix of feelings and how things would to turn out for me? I am not too sure either. Corny is it may be, Gumprates says ... "Life is like a box of chocolates.. You’ll never know what you're gonna get..." We should take on life as an adventure, like corridors full of doors that look the same, but leads to different world. Like a forest, with trees tops leading to different wonderful places. Like a cupboard, which when walking in, brings us into another fantasy. This sense of excitement which comes before our embarkation on certain stages in life, and before the start of a wonderful phase, is clearly what I need. Is my age catching up on me, I wonder. Am I failing to invoke both subconsciously and consciously, pleasant childlike sugary feeling in my heart when something sweet happens? Or for that that matter, somebody who’s so right in coming along in my life. And in its place is just a heavy soreness which I long to get rid. God forbids!!!
Time is a real good medicine... I need an overdose for an overdrive right now!!
Semplice Simon
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Lao Jiu - The Musical
After watching this musical at the National Library Theater, there were only 4 main thoughts which aligned themselves on parallel to our lives. Are we pursuing our own dreams in life? Are we pursuing others' dreams for us, in our life? What will happen in the end for us in both scenarios? Would you give up your own dreams to live up to the expectations of other people?
Lao Jiu is a Chinese musical, depicting the life of the ninth child of the Chng family. He is the only son with eight other elder sisters. Everybody’s pinning their hopes and dreams of wealth, fame and success on him, while deep inside, he only wish the colorful life of a puppeteer. With this inner strife between his deepest desires and dreams, and those pressured upon him from his family. The process of working out the conflicts of vision between him and his family, and the ending, were both quite surprising. Overall, it was enjoyable.
Technically speaking, the stage was small, but the actors were very skilled making use of the constraint to fully express themselves through well choreographed dance, beautiful props, costumes and music, and very carefully chosen words in the lyrics. There were many plus points to the musical and so are the negative ones. The lead actor is very cute but singing was not that in tune and certain consonants wasn't catch on clearly. The overall cast must improve their pronunciation. When they sing in Chinese, certain words cannot be brought across clearly and we had to keep looking at the subtitles on the side walls to make sense. Other than these small hiccups, there were not much to complain about in this famous piece of work.
Semplice Simon
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Short Little Moosings - 9
I went for a little night blading just.. and boy.. I sure regretted climbing those slopes. Fell on my bums while speeding down. Two ladies bikers exclaimed as they went pass me... "Thank God he has his pads on..!" I was like... HELLO!!.. the only padding I had on was my GMP ( Gluteus Maximus Padding ) . I'd bounced a couple time off the tar road on those paddings. Besides that, I had a great time. Bladed all the way from Mac to Fort Rd to Bedok Jetty .. rested for a while at the night view from the jetty.. and went back.
Saw a couple blading. It was so sweet of them. The guy was holding the lady's hand as they bladed together.. in synchronized momentum... they didn't let go of each other's hand even though their blading went out of sync. LOL.
If those blades were the strifes and turmoil of life, the road ahead was their journey together, and their hands held together were the faith in each other's love... how wonderful it would all be.
Semplice Simon
Mood - Relax
Feeling - Cautious
Thinking - I need Night Vision Goggles and Buttock Padding for Night blading..
Love - My New Hard Disk!!!
Saw a couple blading. It was so sweet of them. The guy was holding the lady's hand as they bladed together.. in synchronized momentum... they didn't let go of each other's hand even though their blading went out of sync. LOL.
If those blades were the strifes and turmoil of life, the road ahead was their journey together, and their hands held together were the faith in each other's love... how wonderful it would all be.
Semplice Simon
Mood - Relax
Feeling - Cautious
Thinking - I need Night Vision Goggles and Buttock Padding for Night blading..
Love - My New Hard Disk!!!
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Excess Baggage Payment
Sent off a good friend at the airport the other night.. MZ's off to Thailand for a three month work assignment. Fetched her from the house and saw the poor mum crying. It's for fear of not seeing her again.... Quite dramatic.. It's just a short three months. MZ doesn't long trips often, and the mum needs a little getting used to due to the new job. MZ admited she didn't feel overjoyed to be away from her family for that long. The mum no doubt can be a nag, but she is a lovely woman.
On the way to the airport, she started mentioning what she'll be missing, and what she regretted not to have done earlier. This trip was quite a last minute decision, and she was given only a week's notice to prepare. All is well. She did all she could. She arranged for friends to bring her mum fro therapy and follow-up. She had another friend helping her with the bills. Another one was supposed to pay a visit to her house occasionally, to ensure her brother wasn't up to any mischief. She had to rearrange the schedule for some part time studies and also notify her other classmates to help her collect notes. I was just a backup to everything else. haha. .
Despite all the rearrangements made to slip out of routine, she still didn't feel quite right. I asked her why. She told me she might be extending her stay, if her boss so wills, and that would mean more trouble for her. I told her. "Look dear, you've made all the things possible for life to carry on here without you, so please, don't worry so much. Even if you'd to stay there for a year, I doubt life will stop here because of you." Now, that wasn't much of a consolation. She started badgering me on how heartless I was.
We finally reached the airport. Her unusually large suitcase could have fitted me in. Attempting to inject some jest into the whole situation, I asked whether she had space there inside for me. Looking at me, incredulous that I could still humor her at this moment. She started asking me where she was to go, where to check in, what time to board, what to do inside, what not to bring, and where to get water on board of the plane?! Hmm..
We checked in and the lady at the counter was nice enough to remind her to take out all restricted items from her hand-carried into the suitcase. She had to unlock the suitcase, reveal the undies and lingerie in public just to tuck those objects away. Embarrassing. After checking in of the suitcase, we grab a burger at BK and started wandering around the airport looking at guys (that's me.. ) and at girls (that's her.. ) , books and magazine.
After a while, we came to a counter which had a large sign "Excess Baggage Payment" leveled over the heads of two very voluptuous Malay women. Gosh, talking about excess weight. They were going to charge a tantamount sum to all that dares to come through the airport with extra weight and luggage. This is to ensure all the holidayers will have their mood spoilt, the oversea students will have a bigger hole in their pocket, and to the executives, their due inconveniences to answer to their company. They were gleefully attending to a desperate ang moh couple, convincing them of the policies and reason of charges placed at the counter.
Looking at them, I can't help thinking about the rest of us with the "Excess Baggage". In some stages of our lives, we will get to this counter with the two nice ladies. They will punish you for carrying too much baggage. Even if it wasn't intentional, they will make you pay for it by inflicting a high price. There are people just like that around us. They make you very aware of the unnecessary and depressing memories, constantly reminding you to get over it and yet cannot stop reminding you at the same time. I don't have to pay for something which I desire to carry along at my own will. Anybody out there with the slightest of dignity must be given the right to do so. Why do they have to make it more painful for you? Perhaps, we didn't mean to carry so many luggages along. We were subconsciously taking them along with us in life because we quietly enjoys it?
As MZ walked pass the guards through the glass door, she started waving at me. Determined not to be further humiliated, I merely nodded at her. She started walking away, still waving and smiling, desperate to catch my attention. I couldn't help finally but to break into a big cheeky smile and waved back.
Good thing she didn't bring any excess baggage with her, at least, I tried to appease her mind before she left.
Semplice Simon
On the way to the airport, she started mentioning what she'll be missing, and what she regretted not to have done earlier. This trip was quite a last minute decision, and she was given only a week's notice to prepare. All is well. She did all she could. She arranged for friends to bring her mum fro therapy and follow-up. She had another friend helping her with the bills. Another one was supposed to pay a visit to her house occasionally, to ensure her brother wasn't up to any mischief. She had to rearrange the schedule for some part time studies and also notify her other classmates to help her collect notes. I was just a backup to everything else. haha. .
Despite all the rearrangements made to slip out of routine, she still didn't feel quite right. I asked her why. She told me she might be extending her stay, if her boss so wills, and that would mean more trouble for her. I told her. "Look dear, you've made all the things possible for life to carry on here without you, so please, don't worry so much. Even if you'd to stay there for a year, I doubt life will stop here because of you." Now, that wasn't much of a consolation. She started badgering me on how heartless I was.
We finally reached the airport. Her unusually large suitcase could have fitted me in. Attempting to inject some jest into the whole situation, I asked whether she had space there inside for me. Looking at me, incredulous that I could still humor her at this moment. She started asking me where she was to go, where to check in, what time to board, what to do inside, what not to bring, and where to get water on board of the plane?! Hmm..
We checked in and the lady at the counter was nice enough to remind her to take out all restricted items from her hand-carried into the suitcase. She had to unlock the suitcase, reveal the undies and lingerie in public just to tuck those objects away. Embarrassing. After checking in of the suitcase, we grab a burger at BK and started wandering around the airport looking at guys (that's me.. ) and at girls (that's her.. ) , books and magazine.
After a while, we came to a counter which had a large sign "Excess Baggage Payment" leveled over the heads of two very voluptuous Malay women. Gosh, talking about excess weight. They were going to charge a tantamount sum to all that dares to come through the airport with extra weight and luggage. This is to ensure all the holidayers will have their mood spoilt, the oversea students will have a bigger hole in their pocket, and to the executives, their due inconveniences to answer to their company. They were gleefully attending to a desperate ang moh couple, convincing them of the policies and reason of charges placed at the counter.
Looking at them, I can't help thinking about the rest of us with the "Excess Baggage". In some stages of our lives, we will get to this counter with the two nice ladies. They will punish you for carrying too much baggage. Even if it wasn't intentional, they will make you pay for it by inflicting a high price. There are people just like that around us. They make you very aware of the unnecessary and depressing memories, constantly reminding you to get over it and yet cannot stop reminding you at the same time. I don't have to pay for something which I desire to carry along at my own will. Anybody out there with the slightest of dignity must be given the right to do so. Why do they have to make it more painful for you? Perhaps, we didn't mean to carry so many luggages along. We were subconsciously taking them along with us in life because we quietly enjoys it?
As MZ walked pass the guards through the glass door, she started waving at me. Determined not to be further humiliated, I merely nodded at her. She started walking away, still waving and smiling, desperate to catch my attention. I couldn't help finally but to break into a big cheeky smile and waved back.
Good thing she didn't bring any excess baggage with her, at least, I tried to appease her mind before she left.
Semplice Simon
Sunday, November 06, 2005
My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean
Recently, a friend of mine is going through a long distance relationship. It's a brave attempt and I wish him well. It's definitely not easy but I've heard of friends going through LDR for 4 years without even meeting up face to face. Goodness know they were more like pen pals than boyfriends. But hey, give them some credit for not giving up halfway. Like this article which I've picked up somewhere. It's not impossible, but just a bit more challenging and takes an extra effort.
There are pros and cons for not meeting up face to face. Seeing too much of each other can be quite detrimental to the relationship in certain cases. It reduces our own private space and time. This is especially true to those who had spent more than half of their lives strongly independent and surviving only by their self sufficiency. But then, change is good. Would you give up the luxury of private space to accommodate somebody you love? Risk that intrusion of somebody whom you are not sure how sharing your life with him might be like? I hope so.
For myself, I've never gotten tired of seeing somebody "too much" in my life. If it's somebody I love, I don't really mind spending regular time together, even if it means everyday. I mean, that's the whole point of having a relationship right? That is to intertwine our lives together and to see each other face to face regularly. Anyway, back to a LDR, this can only be a temporal platform for the couple to try certain things, ultimately, they must developed a concrete plan to make it conclusive. Can't be having phone sex all the time either.
Some people might get my motive wrong on writing this blog entry on LDR, to clear things up a bit... I'm not that noble. I just feel that this piece of information from the article may come in useful in the future. Read it with a pinch of salt.
Semplice Simon
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Coming Out and Going Away
I've never felt so overjoyed and sad so quickly, over a short period of 14 hours. For very good reasons as I may explain to you soon. Went out for blading this morning with my Sec. School girlfriends. There were LZ, RY, SH and her husband CH.
I was so overjoyed to have finally found a RollerBlading Khaki in LZ. ~happy!~ She's especially interested in picking up lessons together with skateline and suggested we sign up together. She was good actually, at least she wasn't the one falling on her butt after a road hump.
We started blading for only 10 min, the thunderstorm came. Rain started pouring. ~sad!~ The RollerBladers took shelter in one pavilion while the cyclists took another one further down the road. Rained continually for half an hour. Both me and LZ started chatting about things like work, school and how long we've known each other. 14 years!! That's how long I've known these girlfriends. ~happy!~
The storm lifted and we continued blading and cycling for another half an hour. ~happy!~ It was too short for me though. The bicycles' timing was up and we had to return it quickly. Went back to mac for lunch and chitty chatty. Met this colleague of RY. Name is BG.. (Ba1 Gua4). My Gosh.. she's so Auntish!!!! can't believe she's our age. A bit ..big on the hind side... think it's child bearing.. She started chatting and sat down at our table without invitation. ~pissed!~ Started gossiping to RY about her children's school and teachers. RY teaches there by the way. BG continued with how RY ought to get married and that she's not getting any younger and blah blah. BTW, RY was my 1st bf's girlfriend of 5 years. Read my previous blog entries to understand better. :P We are sort of.. erghm good friends.. Quite a complicated situation. They don't know about me being part of the Rainbow Community though.
Anyway, we finally left and I sent LZ and RY back home. We had the most earth shattering conversation in my car.
"Are you girls seeing anybody? The lady just now was quite worried." ... I asked..
"Seeing anybody? No.. we are seeing you aren't we? hahhaa ... " ~lame~ ... LZ replied.
"No lar.. I meant.. like boyfriend girlfriend that kinda thing.. " I asked.. again..
"No leh, not at the moment. Work take up too much time. ..What about you leh?" RY answered ..
"I see .. hmm.. how long have we known each other?? " I asked ..
"Around 14 years since Sec 1?" LZ answered counting her fingers..
"Don't you find something quite strange about me over the years?" I asked.. sheepishly..
"Oh Oh.. that you never had a girlfriend before??? hahah " LZ answered animatedly..
"hahahaha.. what made you think that??? " I replied quickly..
"or.... You have other 'inclinations'..? hahahhhaah "... RY quizzed, giggling away..
"Actually, .. I do have.... " I answered hesitantly..
..... short pause ...
"How come you never brought her out to show us?? So bad!! " LZ answered again..thinking I have a girlfriend.
.. ~choke..~..
"Aiyoh.. I meant, I do have ... other inclinations .. I'm not Straight..!!" I corrected her quickly..
... uncomfy short pause ....
"Got boyfriend or not??? How come you never brought him out to show us?? " LZ answered ... again..
~happy!~ I can almost hear the choir singing "O Happy Day". Exactly how I feel. It took me quite a while to decide whether to tell them. After many years, and the fact I am getting to 30 soon. I've decided I should slowly open myself up to my closest friends. It didn’t' turn out half as bad as I've expected. MZ my faghag lesbo friend, was quite sure that all hell will break lose and they will not like what they are hearing. I was glad that she was wrong.. for the time being. LZ and RY was quite receptive about the whole thing, and I clarified with them my motive. I wanted us to be closer friends at a different plane now. Now we can at least admire guys together. hahaha... Of course.. many other things went through my mind about today, but I will leave the problem till tomorrow.
~sad!~ MZ told me she's leaving for Thailand for work. For three months or more. quite sad though. Went out for supper with her just now. I didn't tell her that, but I can't really bear to see her go. You know how some people we don't get to see everyday, for that matter.. .not frequent at all and when the news of leave breaks, a sensitive button is pressed. MZ is like a deep old tree planted in my heart. We've not been weathering through together for some time, and neither do I water it and make sure the sun comes. But when the tree is to be uprooted... the pain.. and vacuum can be felt almost like a piece of flesh being slice off.
Maybe the feeling of loss is still quite raw in me. With more partings, it's more apparent how vulnerable our hearts gets affected by changes in relationships. I wish that everything may be static and never changing. But change will always be the only thing constant. Like a Chinese saying goes, there will always be an end to every good banquet. I wish her all the best. Hope we'll get to spend chinese new year together next year.
Semplice Simon
I was so overjoyed to have finally found a RollerBlading Khaki in LZ. ~happy!~ She's especially interested in picking up lessons together with skateline and suggested we sign up together. She was good actually, at least she wasn't the one falling on her butt after a road hump.
We started blading for only 10 min, the thunderstorm came. Rain started pouring. ~sad!~ The RollerBladers took shelter in one pavilion while the cyclists took another one further down the road. Rained continually for half an hour. Both me and LZ started chatting about things like work, school and how long we've known each other. 14 years!! That's how long I've known these girlfriends. ~happy!~
The storm lifted and we continued blading and cycling for another half an hour. ~happy!~ It was too short for me though. The bicycles' timing was up and we had to return it quickly. Went back to mac for lunch and chitty chatty. Met this colleague of RY. Name is BG.. (Ba1 Gua4). My Gosh.. she's so Auntish!!!! can't believe she's our age. A bit ..big on the hind side... think it's child bearing.. She started chatting and sat down at our table without invitation. ~pissed!~ Started gossiping to RY about her children's school and teachers. RY teaches there by the way. BG continued with how RY ought to get married and that she's not getting any younger and blah blah. BTW, RY was my 1st bf's girlfriend of 5 years. Read my previous blog entries to understand better. :P We are sort of.. erghm good friends.. Quite a complicated situation. They don't know about me being part of the Rainbow Community though.
Anyway, we finally left and I sent LZ and RY back home. We had the most earth shattering conversation in my car.
"Are you girls seeing anybody? The lady just now was quite worried." ... I asked..
"Seeing anybody? No.. we are seeing you aren't we? hahhaa ... " ~lame~ ... LZ replied.
"No lar.. I meant.. like boyfriend girlfriend that kinda thing.. " I asked.. again..
"No leh, not at the moment. Work take up too much time. ..What about you leh?" RY answered ..
"I see .. hmm.. how long have we known each other?? " I asked ..
"Around 14 years since Sec 1?" LZ answered counting her fingers..
"Don't you find something quite strange about me over the years?" I asked.. sheepishly..
"Oh Oh.. that you never had a girlfriend before??? hahah " LZ answered animatedly..
"hahahaha.. what made you think that??? " I replied quickly..
"or.... You have other 'inclinations'..? hahahhhaah "... RY quizzed, giggling away..
"Actually, .. I do have.... " I answered hesitantly..
..... short pause ...
"How come you never brought her out to show us?? So bad!! " LZ answered again..thinking I have a girlfriend.
.. ~choke..~..
"Aiyoh.. I meant, I do have ... other inclinations .. I'm not Straight..!!" I corrected her quickly..
... uncomfy short pause ....
"Got boyfriend or not??? How come you never brought him out to show us?? " LZ answered ... again..
~happy!~ I can almost hear the choir singing "O Happy Day". Exactly how I feel. It took me quite a while to decide whether to tell them. After many years, and the fact I am getting to 30 soon. I've decided I should slowly open myself up to my closest friends. It didn’t' turn out half as bad as I've expected. MZ my faghag lesbo friend, was quite sure that all hell will break lose and they will not like what they are hearing. I was glad that she was wrong.. for the time being. LZ and RY was quite receptive about the whole thing, and I clarified with them my motive. I wanted us to be closer friends at a different plane now. Now we can at least admire guys together. hahaha... Of course.. many other things went through my mind about today, but I will leave the problem till tomorrow.
~sad!~ MZ told me she's leaving for Thailand for work. For three months or more. quite sad though. Went out for supper with her just now. I didn't tell her that, but I can't really bear to see her go. You know how some people we don't get to see everyday, for that matter.. .not frequent at all and when the news of leave breaks, a sensitive button is pressed. MZ is like a deep old tree planted in my heart. We've not been weathering through together for some time, and neither do I water it and make sure the sun comes. But when the tree is to be uprooted... the pain.. and vacuum can be felt almost like a piece of flesh being slice off.
Maybe the feeling of loss is still quite raw in me. With more partings, it's more apparent how vulnerable our hearts gets affected by changes in relationships. I wish that everything may be static and never changing. But change will always be the only thing constant. Like a Chinese saying goes, there will always be an end to every good banquet. I wish her all the best. Hope we'll get to spend chinese new year together next year.
Semplice Simon
Friday, November 04, 2005
Short Little Moosings - 8
All thanks to Jave, I finally got hold of a copy of Sandy's Album. Can't believe your resourcefulness. :) I owe you one. It not just contain all the "Love, Sandy" songs inside, but a selection of songs that did her popularity over the last 10 years. Of which, there is one particular song I've always wanted to get hold of on CD, but never really found it on her albums. It's "我心仍在". You know how certain songs when striking certain right chords, will ust permeate through our hearts into our soul. Something which captures our heartfelt attention effortlessly. This song does exactly that.
It's about partings, but not of a sad nature. Rather, filled with hope of continuance and a promise of wait and reinstatement. Sometimes partings are not as difficult as it seems, when you know you will always have someone whom you can fall back for help, and to rely upon. Whenever we walk away from someone we love, regardless of temporal or permanent, it's worth the remembering that they will always be there still waiting, and unchanging.
Here's the Lyrics, if you want the mp3. Do look me up on MSN.
歌曲名：我心仍在 (忆莲 杜德伟)
曲： DANNY BECKERMAN
词：许常德／刘得京 编：周国仪
不是尽头 MY DARLING 心更加依赖
别流泪也别说 GOODBYE 说你会等待
不是尽头 MY DARLING 心更加依赖
别流泪也别说 GOODBYE 说你会等待
我有最最深的爱 永远不更改
心仍在 我心仍在 不曾远走
因为爱你 放心你走 轻轻转身 不必停留
把心守在 相爱时候 还会再聚 这样祈求
我有最最深的爱 永远不更改
心仍在 我心仍在 不曾远走
风雨过后 星光依旧 我心仍在 不曾远走
不管多远 不管多久 刹那感受 一生拥有
我心仍在 我心仍在
Semplice Simon
Mood - Happy!
Feeling - Glad
Thinking - I'm not going to buy another lousy CORSAIR RAM
Love - My completed Gethsemane Album!!!
It's about partings, but not of a sad nature. Rather, filled with hope of continuance and a promise of wait and reinstatement. Sometimes partings are not as difficult as it seems, when you know you will always have someone whom you can fall back for help, and to rely upon. Whenever we walk away from someone we love, regardless of temporal or permanent, it's worth the remembering that they will always be there still waiting, and unchanging.
Here's the Lyrics, if you want the mp3. Do look me up on MSN.
歌曲名：我心仍在 (忆莲 杜德伟)
曲： DANNY BECKERMAN
词：许常德／刘得京 编：周国仪
不是尽头 MY DARLING 心更加依赖
别流泪也别说 GOODBYE 说你会等待
不是尽头 MY DARLING 心更加依赖
别流泪也别说 GOODBYE 说你会等待
我有最最深的爱 永远不更改
心仍在 我心仍在 不曾远走
因为爱你 放心你走 轻轻转身 不必停留
把心守在 相爱时候 还会再聚 这样祈求
我有最最深的爱 永远不更改
心仍在 我心仍在 不曾远走
风雨过后 星光依旧 我心仍在 不曾远走
不管多远 不管多久 刹那感受 一生拥有
我心仍在 我心仍在
Semplice Simon
Mood - Happy!
Feeling - Glad
Thinking - I'm not going to buy another lousy CORSAIR RAM
Love - My completed Gethsemane Album!!!
The FagStag's Unwavering Attempts
After the recent concert at Shalom BPC, I finally got to meet up with Kenneth Tan for coffee yesterday. It’s our routine over the years after we ORD. We made it a point to meet up once in a while to catch up on each other’s life. KT’s my fagstag ie. A straight guy friend who knows my sexual preferences. He’s very special to me. We got to know each other in 1996 when he was invited to our church as a guest pianist to play. Everybody said he looks like my twin brother. The height, fairness and haircut. I went up to him after the service to shake his hands :P On purpose? Haha Yes! Told him how well he played. Over the years, I developed this crush on him. But of course, nothing came out from it.
He’s getting married next year. 4th March. That could had been 1 day before my 6th year anniversary with my ex. We would had been celebrating it on the 5th of March. Messaged KT twice last few weeks that I’ve broke up. He never replied me. Disappointed, I was expecting some words of comfort from him, not denying the fact that he never agreed with my lifestyle. He responded the second time saying “I hope you are feeling better.. don’t really know what to say.” Didn’t blame him though. Just happy that he at least bothered.
We met up at Simei StarBucks yesterday. Our favorite place to hang out. We went through the whole feature of his marriage preparation and getting himself ready. Spent most of the time listening to him and asking questions only when he stopped to breath. He was saying how difficult it was for woman to get married. There were simply too many idealistic dreams and expectations on how their once-in-a-lifetime event is going to be. I wanted to find out more too and jokingly commented , I want my wedding to be as good as his!!
He knew his wife Xiao Y for coming to 6 years now, ironically similar to me, but they started seeing you other for 3 years plus. I knew his ex girlfriend too, Amabel, whom had been together for nearly 6 years before breaking up. There must be a curse before you reach your 6th year. Either you get married, or you break up. We met up together with Amabel for dinner at another gay friend’s place years back. She knew and was comfortable about us. Xiao Y on the other hand, still don't know about me. So there was this little discussion of whether to tell her. And the conclusion was not to, if there's no need for it.
Inevitably, our conversation had to steer towards my recent breakup. He asked, “So how is your, erghm.. you know.. !?”.. You see, the thing with KT was that he still couldn’t talk about my relationship without going into a bout of tongue-tied spasms. If I’ve talked about my sexual escapades with him, we’ll need an ambulance.
“You mean my breakup with Ben is it??” I asked nonchalantly. Saw him twitched at my words. I gave him a brief summary of what happened and what’s happening. His comments couldn’t be more predictable.
“You can still try you know!” He said, giving me the hopeful expectant look… “… Go for a girl!”. I nearly fell off my chair. Trying hard to suppress my horrified look. I gaped at him.
“You’re crazy right? THIS, can never ever happen in my life!!”. I was flailing my hands at him in a flamboyant manner, trying to drive my point across to him. He’s been trying to turn me straight for umpteen times.
“Ok then, go find yourself another boyfriend.”
Gosh, are they really that shallow? Or they think gays are as shallow as them? I ought to give him a good rap on the head.
“Well, hmm let me think. Ben’s attached now. So that’s that. The only other guy that I like, he’s attached too. So, the only chance of me seeing anybody else, is as remote as Pluto from Planet Earth. And I intend to keep it that way.”
He got the point.
Semplice Simon
He’s getting married next year. 4th March. That could had been 1 day before my 6th year anniversary with my ex. We would had been celebrating it on the 5th of March. Messaged KT twice last few weeks that I’ve broke up. He never replied me. Disappointed, I was expecting some words of comfort from him, not denying the fact that he never agreed with my lifestyle. He responded the second time saying “I hope you are feeling better.. don’t really know what to say.” Didn’t blame him though. Just happy that he at least bothered.
We met up at Simei StarBucks yesterday. Our favorite place to hang out. We went through the whole feature of his marriage preparation and getting himself ready. Spent most of the time listening to him and asking questions only when he stopped to breath. He was saying how difficult it was for woman to get married. There were simply too many idealistic dreams and expectations on how their once-in-a-lifetime event is going to be. I wanted to find out more too and jokingly commented , I want my wedding to be as good as his!!
He knew his wife Xiao Y for coming to 6 years now, ironically similar to me, but they started seeing you other for 3 years plus. I knew his ex girlfriend too, Amabel, whom had been together for nearly 6 years before breaking up. There must be a curse before you reach your 6th year. Either you get married, or you break up. We met up together with Amabel for dinner at another gay friend’s place years back. She knew and was comfortable about us. Xiao Y on the other hand, still don't know about me. So there was this little discussion of whether to tell her. And the conclusion was not to, if there's no need for it.
Inevitably, our conversation had to steer towards my recent breakup. He asked, “So how is your, erghm.. you know.. !?”.. You see, the thing with KT was that he still couldn’t talk about my relationship without going into a bout of tongue-tied spasms. If I’ve talked about my sexual escapades with him, we’ll need an ambulance.
“You mean my breakup with Ben is it??” I asked nonchalantly. Saw him twitched at my words. I gave him a brief summary of what happened and what’s happening. His comments couldn’t be more predictable.
“You can still try you know!” He said, giving me the hopeful expectant look… “… Go for a girl!”. I nearly fell off my chair. Trying hard to suppress my horrified look. I gaped at him.
“You’re crazy right? THIS, can never ever happen in my life!!”. I was flailing my hands at him in a flamboyant manner, trying to drive my point across to him. He’s been trying to turn me straight for umpteen times.
“Ok then, go find yourself another boyfriend.”
Gosh, are they really that shallow? Or they think gays are as shallow as them? I ought to give him a good rap on the head.
“Well, hmm let me think. Ben’s attached now. So that’s that. The only other guy that I like, he’s attached too. So, the only chance of me seeing anybody else, is as remote as Pluto from Planet Earth. And I intend to keep it that way.”
He got the point.
Semplice Simon
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
A Nice Little Story
My husband was an engineer. Since I met him, he was always an unflappable rock in my life. I knew he always had his feet firmly planted on the ground, and it seemed that no matter what else went crazy, he would be the one constant.
Three years of romance, and two years of marriage later, I got tired. He was the most unromantic man I know. He never bought me flowers, he never surprised me, and nothing changed in our marriage.
After some time, I finally found the courage to tell him that I wanted to leave him. He just sat there, speechless. My heart froze... what kind of man was I married to that didn't even know what to say to make me stay?
After a while, he spoke, "What can I do to change your mind?".
"I will stay if you can give me a good answer to this question," I replied coldly.
"If I asked for a flower that grew on a cliff, and you knew that getting it for me means certain death, would you get it for me?". His face grew troubled.
"Can I give you an answer tomorrow morning?" he asked. Hearing that kind of answer, my heart died. I knew that I could never be happy with a man who couldn't even give me a answer straight away.
The next morning, when I woke up, he was missing. In the living room, under a warm glass of milk, was a note. My eyes grew misty as I read it...
"Dear, I have my answer. I will never pick the flower for you if it meant certain death. But before you leave, I hope you can give me a chance to give you my reasons....
You will always sit in front of the computer and type about for the whole day, but everytime you will end up in tears cause your formating will always go all over the place... I need my fingers, to do the formating for you, so your tears will become smiles.
You like to travel, but would always get lost... I need my eyes, so that I can bring you to the nicest places on earth.
Everytime you leave the house, you would always forget your keys... I need my legs, so that I can run home to open the door for you.
You never knew how to take care of yourself... I need my hands to help you get rid of the pesky white hair you hate so much when you grow old, to trim your nails, to feed you.
So you see, that's why I can't pick the flower for you. Until I find someone who loves you more than I do, I will need my body to take care of you.
If you accept my reasons, then open the door, where I will be waiting with your favourite muffin."
With tears streaming from my eyes, I opened the door, and there he stood, with a extremely worried look on his face. He still had nothing to say, but just stood there waving the packet he had in his hand in front of me. And then I knew for a fact that I will never find another man who will ever love me as much as he does.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have...
Simon wrote :
Very touching story. Reminds me of a friend who told me his bf seldom mentions their commitment verbally and says his “I Love You”’s. Each of us expresses love in the most unique way. No two person’s the same. We cannot expect them to express love the same way we do it. The best bet is to take a closer look at the smaller things that he does. Opening the door for you. Having his hand around your shoulders when you cross the streets. Buying the most useless things for you which he deemed useful. Asking you how’s your day, everyday etc.
If all these smaller things are overlooked, we can be left frustrated and empty. Months and years down the road when everything becomes routine in a relationship, it may seem that love’s running dry. It don’t have to be so if we can still appreciate the more diminished acts of love. Don’t’ miss them out. We can never appreciate someone enough until they are gone, or at least when prospects and threat of their leave become more apparent. I cannot agree more. It is then, when you will realize how accustomed you are to the smallest acts and gestures, little habits and subtle words his presence had already grown on you.
To my friends who are reading this, I hope your relationships may last as long as time persists. Don’t overlook the smaller details in love. Oh oh.. and one more thing.. Christmas’s round the corner, love is in the air !! … better start planning your romantic getaways!
Semplice Simon
Three years of romance, and two years of marriage later, I got tired. He was the most unromantic man I know. He never bought me flowers, he never surprised me, and nothing changed in our marriage.
After some time, I finally found the courage to tell him that I wanted to leave him. He just sat there, speechless. My heart froze... what kind of man was I married to that didn't even know what to say to make me stay?
After a while, he spoke, "What can I do to change your mind?".
"I will stay if you can give me a good answer to this question," I replied coldly.
"If I asked for a flower that grew on a cliff, and you knew that getting it for me means certain death, would you get it for me?". His face grew troubled.
"Can I give you an answer tomorrow morning?" he asked. Hearing that kind of answer, my heart died. I knew that I could never be happy with a man who couldn't even give me a answer straight away.
The next morning, when I woke up, he was missing. In the living room, under a warm glass of milk, was a note. My eyes grew misty as I read it...
"Dear, I have my answer. I will never pick the flower for you if it meant certain death. But before you leave, I hope you can give me a chance to give you my reasons....
You will always sit in front of the computer and type about for the whole day, but everytime you will end up in tears cause your formating will always go all over the place... I need my fingers, to do the formating for you, so your tears will become smiles.
You like to travel, but would always get lost... I need my eyes, so that I can bring you to the nicest places on earth.
Everytime you leave the house, you would always forget your keys... I need my legs, so that I can run home to open the door for you.
You never knew how to take care of yourself... I need my hands to help you get rid of the pesky white hair you hate so much when you grow old, to trim your nails, to feed you.
So you see, that's why I can't pick the flower for you. Until I find someone who loves you more than I do, I will need my body to take care of you.
If you accept my reasons, then open the door, where I will be waiting with your favourite muffin."
With tears streaming from my eyes, I opened the door, and there he stood, with a extremely worried look on his face. He still had nothing to say, but just stood there waving the packet he had in his hand in front of me. And then I knew for a fact that I will never find another man who will ever love me as much as he does.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have...
Simon wrote :
Very touching story. Reminds me of a friend who told me his bf seldom mentions their commitment verbally and says his “I Love You”’s. Each of us expresses love in the most unique way. No two person’s the same. We cannot expect them to express love the same way we do it. The best bet is to take a closer look at the smaller things that he does. Opening the door for you. Having his hand around your shoulders when you cross the streets. Buying the most useless things for you which he deemed useful. Asking you how’s your day, everyday etc.
If all these smaller things are overlooked, we can be left frustrated and empty. Months and years down the road when everything becomes routine in a relationship, it may seem that love’s running dry. It don’t have to be so if we can still appreciate the more diminished acts of love. Don’t’ miss them out. We can never appreciate someone enough until they are gone, or at least when prospects and threat of their leave become more apparent. I cannot agree more. It is then, when you will realize how accustomed you are to the smallest acts and gestures, little habits and subtle words his presence had already grown on you.
To my friends who are reading this, I hope your relationships may last as long as time persists. Don’t overlook the smaller details in love. Oh oh.. and one more thing.. Christmas’s round the corner, love is in the air !! … better start planning your romantic getaways!
Semplice Simon
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Saving Face
 | Today's a holiday! Yippeeee..Can say, I had a good time today. It's been a while, but singlehood is really worth getting use to. At least, I can now do whatever I want to, not feel obligated, take my own time, and to actually enjoy my own company. Morning started out with a rush. Woke up around 8 and left my house only at 9. Went downstairs and had my favorite Nasi Lemak. Yea yea.. I am trying to maintain my 68kg, will be burning it off on Wednesday. I have to reach Toh Tuck HighGate Condo in Jurong for Church Choir Retreat. My former Pastor is speaking. I wanted to be there to ensure him that I am fitting in into the new church well. Took 30 min to reach the place. As usual, I am among the early birds. Apparently, many people can't find the condo. The condo gates has its name carved in cursive letterings so artistic, making Picasso's paintings look like some old crayon graffiti. The retreat went on quite smoothly at the Function Room. We had a message by Pastor, some singsipiration. The whole choir could sing parts, almost immediately. It's really a pleasure singing with them. Used to be shy singing in parts during fellowship meetings. Not many in my former church ever tried and bothered. In this church, it's almost by default that union parts are not allowed, you MUST sing in parts! We had cake to welcome the newcomers. They have to line them up in front of everyone and be asked funny questions. i'm not spared. One of those 3/8 question thrown at me.. "Do you have a girlfriend har..? We got many singles here!" .. Hey Sisters.. I'm gay lar. Can't you people ever leave my private life off the fraternization.??!? Any of you choir guys Gay and single??? Please step out hor!! The retreat ended at 330pm, after a long prayer session. Quickly sms a friend to meet me at Great World City at 4pm. His name's Kennie. We are not dating though, which I made clear to people whom I meet nowadays. That I am looking for just friends, and no plans for anything beyond tat. No offence meant lar Kenny!! He looks exactly like my primary school best friend. Met him off Fridae and a real friendly guy. We decided to watch a lesbian move "Saving Face". He had high commendations for this show and didn't mind watching it again with me. I treated him to the show while he's suppose to pay for dinner. While waiting for him to come, I took on a quick shopping spree. Bought a shirt from Zara, some hush puppies socks, and wet wipes for my car. Both of us drives. We left our cars and took a bus back to orchard for dinner at Din Tai Feng and another round of shopping. Orchard's swarming with gays... as usual. Time for the movie. It was FANTASTIC!! I never thought I could take in the sight of two women kissing and making out. But hey, it's not that bad after all. Joan Chen's acting was superb. The love and romance between the girls was so sweet! Don't know whether it's some sick joke, but they are always exchanging hotdogs whenever they met. The story's about two different forms of love, which was quite taboo then. Love between two girls, and between an older lady and younger man. What really struck me was how bold one demanded the other to prove their love publicly. Private loving and adoration within confines of the four walls, was not sufficient for commitment. That's a thought. There's many other interesting thoughts arising from this show for me. But am too tired to recollect it all. But please watch it if you have the chance. |
Semplice Simon
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